Date one: Love Bites

I never really meant to start a dating blog. But, I went on my first online date, and it was a catastrophe. How bad can it be, I hear you ask? Well, it led to this Facebook chat with a friend:


She seemed pretty normal at first. Pretty, worked in publishing. Sadly a little dull in person. OR SO IT SEEMED. 

We were in a Vietnamese restaurant and I'm terrible with chopsticks, so she was touching me a lot, helping out. Quite nice, quite pleasant. Anyway, dessert arrives, I am struggling with some piece of sugary slime, she reaches over, takes my hand... Takes the chopsticks out of my hand, starts sucking my fingers. WEIRD. But I didn't stop her. I should have. 

She then bit my fingers, really hard! I screamed at the top of my voice (default setting: loud) "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!", causing a scene in the restaurant. She tells me she thought I'd like it - then bursts into tears. I wrap my bleeding hand in a makeshift bandage I fashioned from a napkin, walk to the bar & say "I'd like to pay & leave, please". 

They then can't get signal on card machine, so paying takes ten minutes. While she sat sobbing in the background. It was excruciating. I probably could have handled it better; I do feel guilty about it, but she literally bit my fingers until she drew blood. I honestly thought she might bite them off. 

 It was only a week later, visiting my doctor suffering from headaches and nausea, my doctor (a lovely old posh scottish lady) asked "Hmm, have you been bitten by any animals, Willard?", and it turned out the bite wound was infected(medic friends tell me this is pretty common, as the normal human mouth is a nasty place). I actually felt quite sorry for the girl in question. I've even found the article in a glossy mag that recommends a woman “Press a fork into different parts of his body at dinner—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs. If you really like him, bite him in the restaurant”.

While this was clearly one of the worse dates ever, it wasn't the worst I've ever been on, or ever heard of. 

 It was only after this experience - and hearing other friend's bad online dating experiences - that I decided to do a dating blog. My favourite friend's dating experience was a girl who told me she went on an internet date with a guy who was genuinely dreadful - a real "ahem, you had three rolls, I had none, so a I think a 35/65 split is more equitable on the bill" type. Date is over in about an hour, she heads home, thinking, what a douche. He texts her, saying "I realise the date went badly, but was wondering if you were still interested in sex. I have a massive penis. Jim. XX". And attached, is a picture of said massive penis. In fairness to him (she's shown it to me), it was huge - like two beer cans welded together.

So, this online dating business is clearly a wasteland populated by freaks, huge cocked mutants and blood crazed biting cannibals. As one of the few (relatively) normal survivors out there, it seemed like a good idea to chronicle my wander through the wasteland - leave behind a survival guide. For example, I've since discovered that the website I met the biter on (OK Cupid) is notorious for being full of what one online dating veteran described to be as a "Legion of Polyamorous Kinksters", so it was probably a bad choice for me.

Of course, looking around, I wondered how could I make the dating blog different from every other dating blog out there. I mean, how could I guarantee every date would be bad enough to blog amusingly? Then I hit upon an idea; why not try to do a multitude of different dating sites? 

So, here's the plan - 28 dates. 28 different dating sites. A mix of the most common sites, and some of the crazy ones. So. Let's see how this goes.

And with that, Willard stepped back out into the wasteland.

27 comments:

  1. Katy said...

    My single guy friends tell me that "Match.com is full of crazy chicks" so maybe you want to shop there as well. (If that site is active in the UK? not sure)

  2. Sean Redmond said...

    Could have been worse, could have cost an arm and a leg, rather than just a finger - hilarious post looking forward to more.

  3. Marie said...

    Haha. Well, if this is date #1, I look forward to reading about #2 :-)

  4. I want to see some of the really mental sites used. For example, there is a dating site for sufferers of psoriasis. Try that.

  5. Plato said...

    Brilliant - I've had a few horror myself - but nothing on this

  6. Anonymous said...

    I hope you haven't recently acquired an intense dislike of garlic, or sunlight...

  7. Anonymous said...

    Ib dib

  8. Anonymous said...

    Intriguing...I wonder what she's like in bed!

    Please tell us more. I haven't dated properly since internet dating really took off. A few goes when it was all in its infancy, and they were normal unfortunately.

  9. Magatha-May said...

    Can't wait to read more

  10. What kind of glossy magazine makes those kind of suggestions? They sound as though they're leaving themselves open to lawsuits by other victims of prandial piercings...

  11. Brilliant can't wait to read more!
    I'm totally intrigued by the whole internet dating thing, but sadly my boyfriend might get a little worried if I gave it a go for myself!

  12. Anonymous said...

    Don't give up on OKCupid. I met my wife on there, and I'm pretty sure she's not a crazy polyamorous kinkster, or if she is she's kept it well hidden.

  13. Anonymous said...

    Of course, Willard, we will be expecting you to at least try a gay dating site, even though we know(?) that's not what you're after ...

    Yours ever,

    Harold

  14. Anonymous said...

    Umm, how is the knife thing weird? Some people like different stuff. She was into being dominated. Hw is having sex on a first date in a clean environment with a girl that likes S&M bad???

  15. Anonymous said...

    Not just polyamorous kinksters, but feminist man-hating hipsters, women looking for friends and only friends, and cardboard cutouts.

  16. Anonymous said...

    Hilarious, I blame the magazine (and partially her idiosyncratic mind)...young women these days, looking for advice in all the wrong places!

  17. Anonymous said...

    If you want TRUE crazy, look no further than the dating sections on Craigslist...I'll never go back, after a girl I briefly dated from there stalked me.

    In the big scheme of things, I'd say that OKCupid is actually the most sane site I've been on. Sorry to hear about the biting girl, but that's more the exception than the norm.

  18. Boetebessie said...

    Hey Willard. Will you post a link to my online dating experiences? I have had several novel experiences... www.boetebessie.com

  19. Anonymous said...

    I'm thinking about doing this as well, I'm no journalist. But I have the same dating anxiety issues that a lot of people have. It could help me, and give some entertaining reads in the process.

  20. Anonymous said...

    Apologies, i am late to the party but i just spat my tea out whilst reading. I have a massive penis, Jim xx (pure genius)

  21. John K said...

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  22. Big show said...

    These articles and blogs are truly enough for me for a day.how to date

  23. Syntages said...

    Well, what happened with the infection? You never said!

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  27. BesChi101 said...

    Came across this gem via Elle Magazine and have emailed your blog to all my single friends. Thank you for putting yourself out there and for sharing your experiences...I'm looking forward to reading through your other posts.

    The penis story had me pissing myself laughing-priceless!!!

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